Dear Friends

Friends don't let Crazy bitch drink and click!

Once upon a time, Crazy Bitch decided it would be a good idea to train her big stud muffin, Brutal. This decision came when she found I had grown from a clumsy puppy to a mean, lean, kick ass machine that drug her through bushes, creeks and any place I decided to go. Awwww the memories! At the all white place we first lived she had a gy-normous black rug that I ate. Seriously, I ate that bastard like it was steak. I also chewed a wall, shoes, busted out too many sliding screen doors to count. She never came home to find the sofa in the place she had left it. But even with all that, the roller blade episode is what signed the deal. Knowing as much about the Ditzy Bitch as you all do now, who would you fault for strapping wheels on her feet and and taking me out on a leash?

Yeah, that's what I thought!

So she calls a trainer who for the small amount of $900 and 6 weeks of time would turn me into a gentle giant. Oh how I have to snort at that. I did the commands for him. I did the turns and the sits but as soon as I heard his car pull away, I was like Fluck you bitch! Ehhhhhh, sit on this, slut! Of course trainer guy didn't believe her because I was perfect while he was around....6 weeks came and went...I was still dragging her around the neighborhood. She went with another trainer, more money and got the same results. So, she gets an idea...a zap collar. I'm not gonna lie to you, that was brilliant on her part. I guess every dingbat has one moment of clarity and that was hers.

She put that thing around my neck, walked into another room and although the facts that led upto it are fuzzy I remember that first zap. She said no to something, said it again and WHAM! I didn't know what the fluck had happened...she was no where near me so I couldn't figure out how the hell she did it so I tested her over and over. ZAP, ZAP, ZAP! Then I saw it. The little black thing in her hand. Right before the zap, she would always have that little remote thing.

Okay, she had me against the ropes. I calmed down but hey, I'm still me right? One night she put on some kitty slippers a friend gave her that mewed when you would take a step...you've seen them. The doggie one's bark, the pig one's oink, you get the idea so anywoof, I'm dozing on the sofa and I hear mew. I'm up and ready to fight! She hears my nails clicking towards her and takes off running, all I know is I'm hearing MEW,MEW,MEW,MEW,MEW and she's hauling ass so I assumed she was in trouble and it was my job to save her. I tackle her in the livingroom, I'm trying to kill the things on her feet and she's kicking and yelling. I'm pulling/dragging her to the hallway when I finally get one off and kill it, she takes off for the livingroom again and I hear more mewing, kinda like step, mew, step mew, step, mew...so I go into protect mode again but she had made her way to the table when the zapper remote was and got me!

Let's see...then there was the fur coat incident but I'll leave that for another time. The bottom line is I started controlling myself and she lightened up on the zapping....until that last fateful night.

There she is, Crazy Slut, drinking her scotch, sitting on the bed clicking thru the channels on the tube, talking on the phone, blah blah blah so I see her point the remote at the TV and nothing happens (guess the batteries were dead) so she bangs the remote, tries to click, nothing. More drinking, more chatting, sqints her eyes and has the tongue out to the side of the mouth, points, clicks, nothing, bang the remote, point, click, nothing...this went on for about an hour, she hangs up the phone, grabs the remote and starts clicking with the tongue out again but this time was different. It was my flucking zapper remote! The Crazy drunken slut was gonna kill me right there! I'm on the floor, rolling, legs and paws in the air and she's on the bed, squint, point, clicking away. I must have passed out at least twice before she notices what she's doing. It was awful! She in her drunken stupor gets a wet cloth and is on the floor with me apologizing and crying. Woof!

Something good did come out of it though...she took the collar off and threw it away. I could tell you that I've changed but that would be a lie. I still get into trouble now and then but nothing like the old days. Man, looking back on it, Crazy Bitch and I have been through all kinds of shit together and both of us has survived.

Oh well...another day, another story.

Paws to alls!
Brutal

The Brutal life of the male.

By Bru-tear-us Up-us House-us (Yes Ms Curi you nosey troll, that is my legal name) with guest contributions from Ray, Ray the Stray and Bullet.

Dearest Bitches, this entry is dedicated to all the Leg-Lifter's in your lives and especially Ray-ray the Stray and Bullet. (Happy Birthday Ray WOOF!)

Crazy Bitches, (human and canine) may I start with the fact that we love you. We adore you. We worship the ground you walk on.. especially if that ground you are walking on is littered with chew bones!

Let's all be frank here. Most of us pooches are not in new relationships so that spark isn't exactly gone but sometimes it is at a low flicker. (stay calm! The bic still flicks!) We still have the feelings but, you have to admit, the bait you used to catch us is rarely brought out any longer! Where are the new toys you used to bring home for us to play with? A chew bone once in a blue moon? What's up with that? Diets.... puhleeze!!That word doesn't exist in dogdom!

While I'm at it, I'm going to air some of our, and our male human's pet peeves and point of view with you bitches!

Hobbies. We males have "hobbies" we enjoy. Things that keep us occupied while we await dinner, or sweet death. (Strains of "Meatloaf " singing "praying for the end of time, to hurry up and arrive, so I can end my time with you).

Whether we boys like model planes, trains, sports, eating bugs, sniffing up other females, licking ourselves or fighting with our brother pooches stealing their toys, (all those things you bitches give the eye roll to) those hobbies are important to us. They give meaning to our lives!

If you didn't want us to snuffle through the pillows and toss them on the floor, you wouldn't have put them on the sofa in the first place! If you didn't want us tearing through the house you wouldn't have us in it!

Why is it we are put in the garage or the basement or outside to entertain ourselves while you ladies clack your knitting needles away on the couch in the living room, or do your needle point, or sewing or art or crafts or whatever the hell it is you do that we want no part of!? It's a living room in our kennel. Why can't we play with our hobbies and live in it? You're doing a hobby in it! We can lick ourselves sitting on the sofa just as comfortably as you can watch tv.

What the hell is that about!?

Now, we (manly males) normally wouldn't care if the windows of our house were wide open and if we did, a sheet would do just as good. But no, you fill up a house full of lacy curtains!

All that frilly shit that cost who knows how much! (We know you lie to our male humans about the price of things! You're like the Government! A loaf of bread (according to you) is $400 dollars but the new comforter was on sale and no big deal.) Those things block our view outside. We patrol our territory by looking out those windows!

And comforters. Why can't we touch them? And Fido forbid! Those ugly assed matching pillows with the ruffles. What the woof!

And what's up with flowery or pastel sheets! Sheesh! There's males in this house. Try for a little masculinity will ya!

Cover us with sleeping bags or towels, we don't care! Oh, and towels! What is the point of having towels hanging up but WE have to use the older natty ones when we get dried? That right there is one of the reasons we avoid washing our paws you crazy Bitches!! Why can't we have the luxury of soft fluffy towels? You can wash the oil, dirt, grass, and other stuff we fellas roll in off of them.

Don't get me started on potpourri....come the fluck on ladies! That has nothing to do with the man in your life, if it did, we'd come in and the house would smell like meat! Admit it, it's all about you, the crazy Bitches! Instead of candles that smell of passion flower (blech) how about leg of lamb, or roast beef? You'd keep all of us focusing with our attention front and center every time!

Our human counterparts don't care about water rings on the table unless they made the damn table. But what's up with "that's a no-no because and I quote "power tools are dangerous and I'm not driving you to the hospital with a missing hand!?" Is that why they are only allowed to use those little bitty dremel things they use on your nails at the salon? Keep pushing... wait and see what they can find to dremel ladies! That's not a tool, that's a toy!

Add to the pet peeve list: No feet or paws on the coffee table!!!! # 1 why? and # 2, I'm telling you, when your back is turned, you leave the house, we do it every chance we get! It's a foot stool! (and I dance on it!) So there!

Your friends...we don't care! You tell us the craziest gossip because you can't keep it to yourself! You should see the eye rolls and glazed looks our human males express over this! Unless your friend has been in a cat fight with another woman, they aren't listening. If the fight included ripped or the removal of clothes, you'll have their full attention. Hell, bring pic's....you gotta have pic's for the police report so take as many as possible and show us all of them. They'd probably even testify at the trial! As for me, if you're gonna discuss food or a lovely, shapely pooch, then I'm all ears!

Fucktards. Don't call us in from another room to see the latest thing, shit, or threat the Fucktard has done or caused. I want all of you ladies to get a mental picture of something for me before we go any further... picture yourself at the drive-thu at the bank, the line with the tube...think hard, remember that WHOOSH sound the tube makes when it get's sucked up?

That's the same sound you will hear if you listen closely that happens to us males when our danglies are retracting from the image of that ugly buck toothed hag or any of her minions. You can set back your love life for weeks if we see that fugly thing!

Speaking of clothes, part 1....DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT dress us! Would you like us dressing you because if we're gonna have that fight, keep in mind you are gonna be in the smallest, trashiest thing we can find!

Speaking of clothes, part 2...why ask us how you look in something? You already know how you look! We don't care! Nude, they notice! Clothed, we couldn't tell you if it's new or something you wore 2 weeks, 2 years or 2 decades ago. Clothes, we don't know...nude or on fire, we're there for ya! Be happy with that! Besides, DOGS don't need clothes! We embrace our nudeness!

Same with the hair...a trim or that other shit you do...we don't know. All we ask is please, if we wanted a relationship with someone with a buzz cut, we would have ask out the guy in wiring from Home Depot. Otherwise, do what you like but don't be offended if we don't notice.

Neighbors, part 1....we don't wanna make new friends. We want to see what the "new male" in the hood has as far as electronic's, mowers and power tools or dog toys, but otherwise, we don't want to have to play in the sandbox with him every time you bring his wife over!

Neighbors part 2....sometimes we like to roam the hood.. just to check things out, to make sure no funny business is going on...we usually do this under the guise of "walking the pooch" or getting some exercise.

Leave us alone with this, we are protecting our area! We're marking it or making sure there are no evil lurkers up to no good, no strangers out to rob or kill us in our sleep or trespass on our turf. So back off! (sheese!) Wanna wake up in the morn, dead, with your lacy curtains missing? No? Then leave us alone when we want to prowl!

Here's some questions for you Crazy Bitches to ponder: Why?

Why what? If we did something, we did it with a legit reason in mind! Maybe it worked out, maybe it didn't but there is no reason to "Why" us into an early grave because the answer is gonna be the same.... Uhhh, because or I don't know. There! You have the why.

What are you thinking?

Nothing! If we're watching TV when you ask this, then we're thinking of what we're watching. If we're eating, we're thinking of the food, if we're sitting there in a daze, that's it, a daze...a blank, nothing! Don't yell and call us liars, we honestly do blank. We love blank! We enjoy blank! Blank soothes us...let it be! We are very easy animals...we need nothing more than sex, food, TV, hobby and sex. That's it. We're not complicated.

In fact, we're very simple and easy. Sex, food, TV, a hobby (if you won't give up the sex) and sex. We are MALES...we're hairy, we're gassy, we itch, we scratch, we adjust in public, we like boob and or butts, we love meat, and if you're not gonna put out then leave the house for 2 minutes and we'll take care of ourselves! (Yes, we'll do it on the comforter or with our feet or paws on the coffee table!)

One last thing...leave us the fluck alone when we go bathroom! It's gonna take as long as it's gonna take! Don't bang on the door and ask us if we're okay! You've probably set us back about 15 minutes in our "mission" by doing that so leave us alone!

I could and probably will cover more area's involving males but I thought that since there are more Squatters than Leg-lefter's here I would take this opportunity to stand up for myself and all my guys.

There is more ladies, there is more but I'll let you absorb this before I throw anymore at you. Now, I am off to bed where I will pick my nails and lick myself before I doze off and if Crazy Bitch rolls my way, she'll get grrrrrrr'ed back to her side of the bed but if I wanna roll her way then so be it!

(FYI: if your males could do to themselves what I can do to myself, you ladies would most likely be living on the curb! Think about that for a few!)

Now go ahead and blast away!
Brute!

On the Lookout for Internet Terrorist Losama bin Dillon

Come on, MAKE MY DAY!

The sound of silence.

Across the United States, quiet observances,
moments of silence, in New York, Washington D.C.,
Pennsylvania, towns and cities, are planned for
8:46, 9:03, 9:59 and 10:29 a.m. in remembrance
of when America was attacked 5 years ago.

Dedicated To Miss M

Dedicated to my girlfriend who is recovering from surgery, Miss M.
By Brutal

Dearest Pound Pups,
I recently learned that one of my lovelies had surgery on her hot little leg so let's all give a shout out to my hottie pooch, Miss M, and wish her a speedy recovery.

Surgeries...now that brings back some memories.

When crazy bitch first got me, she took me straight to the Mad Doctor I call Satan and they shot my ass so full of shit, I puked for a week. Then she took me back for puking. More med's, more gagging and another 3-4 runs to Satan. That went on for about 6 weeks then she gets the idea to clip my ears and have my danglies taken away. The dangly removal was brought on by my "love" of sofa cushions, pillows, legs and pretty much anything I could get to. I guess her being her size and me being my size, I can see why she did it. Doesn't mean I forgave her though and she didn't really get her money's worth on the ears or the humping thing. I have a body sized Hello Kitty love pillow I have my way with occasionally and if Fatass wasn't so low to the ground, I would have had him too! As for the ears...oh what a mess that was. The bastards chop off most of my ears then tape them to straight up in the air to a block of Styrofoam. Einstein aka nutty slut get's me home while I'm still drunk from being chopped up like a teenager in a horror flick and turns her back and I try to crawl under a table which tears the cone off my head....back we went to Satan who drugged me again...same thing happened but thankfully, crazy slut said that's enough! So now I usually wear my ears in the Sally Field-Flying Nun style, or if I'm in flirt mode, I'll flip one over like a toupee and if I want crazy bitch to piss herself, I'll sit in front of one of her many, many night lights and throw them both up and watch her run out of the room. People, she ain't afraid of but the boogie man and things under the bed or in the closet...get's her every time!

Speaking of surgeries...did you pup's know that Fatass had his eye's done. Yep, he had an eye lift. I was home thinking, what the hell...does he think he's Michael Douglas or what? An eye lift! He came home with the cone around his big assed hippo head looking like Sky Lab, then he had to have drops every hour on the hour. He was fork fed which he's never gotten over and he got a ramp built to get into the bed because wing nut woman couldn't lift him. I thought it was the funniest shit I had ever seen! That's when he developed OCD, ADD, separation anxiety and STUPID. Of course he went insane, crazy bitch does everything for him. I won't even go into how many times he's been rushed to the emergency room for bee stings, allergies or his limp tail syndrome. Um hmmmm, if his tail isn't jacked up like a question mark, crazy bitches rushes him to Satan. When I think of all the chews that money could have bought....well, you see why I feel the way I do about him.

Okay, this is getting long so I'll end it with my last ER episode a few months ago. I was hanging at the Spa, getting my daily ball toss, the mile hike, the body massage, the before bed biscuits, Animal planet TV..you know, the platinum package and I wake up one morning feeling icky. The girl who was assigned to me was a vet assistant so she checked me out and called the woofer ambulance and they rushed me in because I had something called twisted intestine something or other. Anyway, they called crazy bitch at about 6:30 and told her what was going on and of course she rushed to the Doc's place all trauma' ed out...I'm the one dying but she's in the lobby in the floor. Pfffftttttt! So they tell her because of my age and the expense, it may be better to give me a sleepy shot and she went into over-drive on that. They were drugging me in the back but I could still hear her out front. Then she called M Diddy who called up there and threatened everyone and their families. She told them to keep me alive no matter what, M Diddy said if anything happened to me before he got there, they had better put a battery in my ass so crazy bitch could see a tail wag, I didn't like the sound of that at all! So they gut me like a fish, untwist whatever and sew me back up. Nut woman is outside smoking and crying. M Diddy is flying home because Doc said at my age, it may not work and even if it does, it may happen again because of my size. I make it through the surgery and wake up with the woman laying on the floor with me, I'm covered in snot and tears but she's scratching my ear so it was okay. She was telling me how we would go shopping when I was better and I could pick out any bones I wanted and as many as I wanted. I was there for recovery 2 weeks and she was there every morning, every lunch break and every evening before they closed to tell me goodnight. She even brought me Tuggles, my squeaky pull toy. When she brought me home, I had stitches from my groin to my chest so she rubbed and scratched my tummy all day and night. I guess she's not all bad but that doesn't mean I'm gonna stop messing with her head.

The moral to my story: Some pet mommies are better than human mommies and even though we can't say it out loud, we love you and all your craziness!

Brutal