The Brutal life of the male.
By Bru-tear-us Up-us House-us (Yes Ms Curi you nosey troll, that is my legal name) with guest contributions from Ray, Ray the Stray and Bullet.
Dearest Bitches, this entry is dedicated to all the Leg-Lifter's in your lives and especially Ray-ray the Stray and Bullet. (Happy Birthday Ray WOOF!)
Crazy Bitches, (human and canine) may I start with the fact that we love you. We adore you. We worship the ground you walk on.. especially if that ground you are walking on is littered with chew bones!
Let's all be frank here. Most of us pooches are not in new relationships so that spark isn't exactly gone but sometimes it is at a low flicker. (stay calm! The bic still flicks!) We still have the feelings but, you have to admit, the bait you used to catch us is rarely brought out any longer! Where are the new toys you used to bring home for us to play with? A chew bone once in a blue moon? What's up with that? Diets.... puhleeze!!That word doesn't exist in dogdom!
While I'm at it, I'm going to air some of our, and our male human's pet peeves and point of view with you bitches!
Hobbies. We males have "hobbies" we enjoy. Things that keep us occupied while we await dinner, or sweet death. (Strains of "Meatloaf " singing "praying for the end of time, to hurry up and arrive, so I can end my time with you).
Whether we boys like model planes, trains, sports, eating bugs, sniffing up other females, licking ourselves or fighting with our brother pooches stealing their toys, (all those things you bitches give the eye roll to) those hobbies are important to us. They give meaning to our lives!
If you didn't want us to snuffle through the pillows and toss them on the floor, you wouldn't have put them on the sofa in the first place! If you didn't want us tearing through the house you wouldn't have us in it!
Why is it we are put in the garage or the basement or outside to entertain ourselves while you ladies clack your knitting needles away on the couch in the living room, or do your needle point, or sewing or art or crafts or whatever the hell it is you do that we want no part of!? It's a living room in our kennel. Why can't we play with our hobbies and live in it? You're doing a hobby in it! We can lick ourselves sitting on the sofa just as comfortably as you can watch tv.
What the hell is that about!?
Now, we (manly males) normally wouldn't care if the windows of our house were wide open and if we did, a sheet would do just as good. But no, you fill up a house full of lacy curtains!
All that frilly shit that cost who knows how much! (We know you lie to our male humans about the price of things! You're like the Government! A loaf of bread (according to you) is $400 dollars but the new comforter was on sale and no big deal.) Those things block our view outside. We patrol our territory by looking out those windows!
And comforters. Why can't we touch them? And Fido forbid! Those ugly assed matching pillows with the ruffles. What the woof!
And what's up with flowery or pastel sheets! Sheesh! There's males in this house. Try for a little masculinity will ya!
Cover us with sleeping bags or towels, we don't care! Oh, and towels! What is the point of having towels hanging up but WE have to use the older natty ones when we get dried? That right there is one of the reasons we avoid washing our paws you crazy Bitches!! Why can't we have the luxury of soft fluffy towels? You can wash the oil, dirt, grass, and other stuff we fellas roll in off of them.
Don't get me started on potpourri....come the fluck on ladies! That has nothing to do with the man in your life, if it did, we'd come in and the house would smell like meat! Admit it, it's all about you, the crazy Bitches! Instead of candles that smell of passion flower (blech) how about leg of lamb, or roast beef? You'd keep all of us focusing with our attention front and center every time!
Our human counterparts don't care about water rings on the table unless they made the damn table. But what's up with "that's a no-no because and I quote "power tools are dangerous and I'm not driving you to the hospital with a missing hand!?" Is that why they are only allowed to use those little bitty dremel things they use on your nails at the salon? Keep pushing... wait and see what they can find to dremel ladies! That's not a tool, that's a toy!
Add to the pet peeve list: No feet or paws on the coffee table!!!! # 1 why? and # 2, I'm telling you, when your back is turned, you leave the house, we do it every chance we get! It's a foot stool! (and I dance on it!) So there!
Your friends...we don't care! You tell us the craziest gossip because you can't keep it to yourself! You should see the eye rolls and glazed looks our human males express over this! Unless your friend has been in a cat fight with another woman, they aren't listening. If the fight included ripped or the removal of clothes, you'll have their full attention. Hell, bring pic's....you gotta have pic's for the police report so take as many as possible and show us all of them. They'd probably even testify at the trial! As for me, if you're gonna discuss food or a lovely, shapely pooch, then I'm all ears!
Fucktards. Don't call us in from another room to see the latest thing, shit, or threat the Fucktard has done or caused. I want all of you ladies to get a mental picture of something for me before we go any further... picture yourself at the drive-thu at the bank, the line with the tube...think hard, remember that WHOOSH sound the tube makes when it get's sucked up?
That's the same sound you will hear if you listen closely that happens to us males when our danglies are retracting from the image of that ugly buck toothed hag or any of her minions. You can set back your love life for weeks if we see that fugly thing!
Speaking of clothes, part 1....DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT dress us! Would you like us dressing you because if we're gonna have that fight, keep in mind you are gonna be in the smallest, trashiest thing we can find!
Speaking of clothes, part 2...why ask us how you look in something? You already know how you look! We don't care! Nude, they notice! Clothed, we couldn't tell you if it's new or something you wore 2 weeks, 2 years or 2 decades ago. Clothes, we don't know...nude or on fire, we're there for ya! Be happy with that! Besides, DOGS don't need clothes! We embrace our nudeness!
Same with the hair...a trim or that other shit you do...we don't know. All we ask is please, if we wanted a relationship with someone with a buzz cut, we would have ask out the guy in wiring from Home Depot. Otherwise, do what you like but don't be offended if we don't notice.
Neighbors, part 1....we don't wanna make new friends. We want to see what the "new male" in the hood has as far as electronic's, mowers and power tools or dog toys, but otherwise, we don't want to have to play in the sandbox with him every time you bring his wife over!
Neighbors part 2....sometimes we like to roam the hood.. just to check things out, to make sure no funny business is going on...we usually do this under the guise of "walking the pooch" or getting some exercise.
Leave us alone with this, we are protecting our area! We're marking it or making sure there are no evil lurkers up to no good, no strangers out to rob or kill us in our sleep or trespass on our turf. So back off! (sheese!) Wanna wake up in the morn, dead, with your lacy curtains missing? No? Then leave us alone when we want to prowl!
Here's some questions for you Crazy Bitches to ponder: Why?
Why what? If we did something, we did it with a legit reason in mind! Maybe it worked out, maybe it didn't but there is no reason to "Why" us into an early grave because the answer is gonna be the same.... Uhhh, because or I don't know. There! You have the why.
What are you thinking?
Nothing! If we're watching TV when you ask this, then we're thinking of what we're watching. If we're eating, we're thinking of the food, if we're sitting there in a daze, that's it, a daze...a blank, nothing! Don't yell and call us liars, we honestly do blank. We love blank! We enjoy blank! Blank soothes us...let it be! We are very easy animals...we need nothing more than sex, food, TV, hobby and sex. That's it. We're not complicated.
In fact, we're very simple and easy. Sex, food, TV, a hobby (if you won't give up the sex) and sex. We are MALES...we're hairy, we're gassy, we itch, we scratch, we adjust in public, we like boob and or butts, we love meat, and if you're not gonna put out then leave the house for 2 minutes and we'll take care of ourselves! (Yes, we'll do it on the comforter or with our feet or paws on the coffee table!)
One last thing...leave us the fluck alone when we go bathroom! It's gonna take as long as it's gonna take! Don't bang on the door and ask us if we're okay! You've probably set us back about 15 minutes in our "mission" by doing that so leave us alone!
I could and probably will cover more area's involving males but I thought that since there are more Squatters than Leg-lefter's here I would take this opportunity to stand up for myself and all my guys.
There is more ladies, there is more but I'll let you absorb this before I throw anymore at you. Now, I am off to bed where I will pick my nails and lick myself before I doze off and if Crazy Bitch rolls my way, she'll get grrrrrrr'ed back to her side of the bed but if I wanna roll her way then so be it!
(FYI: if your males could do to themselves what I can do to myself, you ladies would most likely be living on the curb! Think about that for a few!)
Now go ahead and blast away!
Brute!
Dearest Bitches, this entry is dedicated to all the Leg-Lifter's in your lives and especially Ray-ray the Stray and Bullet. (Happy Birthday Ray WOOF!)
Crazy Bitches, (human and canine) may I start with the fact that we love you. We adore you. We worship the ground you walk on.. especially if that ground you are walking on is littered with chew bones!
Let's all be frank here. Most of us pooches are not in new relationships so that spark isn't exactly gone but sometimes it is at a low flicker. (stay calm! The bic still flicks!) We still have the feelings but, you have to admit, the bait you used to catch us is rarely brought out any longer! Where are the new toys you used to bring home for us to play with? A chew bone once in a blue moon? What's up with that? Diets.... puhleeze!!That word doesn't exist in dogdom!
While I'm at it, I'm going to air some of our, and our male human's pet peeves and point of view with you bitches!
Hobbies. We males have "hobbies" we enjoy. Things that keep us occupied while we await dinner, or sweet death. (Strains of "Meatloaf " singing "praying for the end of time, to hurry up and arrive, so I can end my time with you).
Whether we boys like model planes, trains, sports, eating bugs, sniffing up other females, licking ourselves or fighting with our brother pooches stealing their toys, (all those things you bitches give the eye roll to) those hobbies are important to us. They give meaning to our lives!
If you didn't want us to snuffle through the pillows and toss them on the floor, you wouldn't have put them on the sofa in the first place! If you didn't want us tearing through the house you wouldn't have us in it!
Why is it we are put in the garage or the basement or outside to entertain ourselves while you ladies clack your knitting needles away on the couch in the living room, or do your needle point, or sewing or art or crafts or whatever the hell it is you do that we want no part of!? It's a living room in our kennel. Why can't we play with our hobbies and live in it? You're doing a hobby in it! We can lick ourselves sitting on the sofa just as comfortably as you can watch tv.
What the hell is that about!?
Now, we (manly males) normally wouldn't care if the windows of our house were wide open and if we did, a sheet would do just as good. But no, you fill up a house full of lacy curtains!
All that frilly shit that cost who knows how much! (We know you lie to our male humans about the price of things! You're like the Government! A loaf of bread (according to you) is $400 dollars but the new comforter was on sale and no big deal.) Those things block our view outside. We patrol our territory by looking out those windows!
And comforters. Why can't we touch them? And Fido forbid! Those ugly assed matching pillows with the ruffles. What the woof!
And what's up with flowery or pastel sheets! Sheesh! There's males in this house. Try for a little masculinity will ya!
Cover us with sleeping bags or towels, we don't care! Oh, and towels! What is the point of having towels hanging up but WE have to use the older natty ones when we get dried? That right there is one of the reasons we avoid washing our paws you crazy Bitches!! Why can't we have the luxury of soft fluffy towels? You can wash the oil, dirt, grass, and other stuff we fellas roll in off of them.
Don't get me started on potpourri....come the fluck on ladies! That has nothing to do with the man in your life, if it did, we'd come in and the house would smell like meat! Admit it, it's all about you, the crazy Bitches! Instead of candles that smell of passion flower (blech) how about leg of lamb, or roast beef? You'd keep all of us focusing with our attention front and center every time!
Our human counterparts don't care about water rings on the table unless they made the damn table. But what's up with "that's a no-no because and I quote "power tools are dangerous and I'm not driving you to the hospital with a missing hand!?" Is that why they are only allowed to use those little bitty dremel things they use on your nails at the salon? Keep pushing... wait and see what they can find to dremel ladies! That's not a tool, that's a toy!
Add to the pet peeve list: No feet or paws on the coffee table!!!! # 1 why? and # 2, I'm telling you, when your back is turned, you leave the house, we do it every chance we get! It's a foot stool! (and I dance on it!) So there!
Your friends...we don't care! You tell us the craziest gossip because you can't keep it to yourself! You should see the eye rolls and glazed looks our human males express over this! Unless your friend has been in a cat fight with another woman, they aren't listening. If the fight included ripped or the removal of clothes, you'll have their full attention. Hell, bring pic's....you gotta have pic's for the police report so take as many as possible and show us all of them. They'd probably even testify at the trial! As for me, if you're gonna discuss food or a lovely, shapely pooch, then I'm all ears!
Fucktards. Don't call us in from another room to see the latest thing, shit, or threat the Fucktard has done or caused. I want all of you ladies to get a mental picture of something for me before we go any further... picture yourself at the drive-thu at the bank, the line with the tube...think hard, remember that WHOOSH sound the tube makes when it get's sucked up?
That's the same sound you will hear if you listen closely that happens to us males when our danglies are retracting from the image of that ugly buck toothed hag or any of her minions. You can set back your love life for weeks if we see that fugly thing!
Speaking of clothes, part 1....DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT dress us! Would you like us dressing you because if we're gonna have that fight, keep in mind you are gonna be in the smallest, trashiest thing we can find!
Speaking of clothes, part 2...why ask us how you look in something? You already know how you look! We don't care! Nude, they notice! Clothed, we couldn't tell you if it's new or something you wore 2 weeks, 2 years or 2 decades ago. Clothes, we don't know...nude or on fire, we're there for ya! Be happy with that! Besides, DOGS don't need clothes! We embrace our nudeness!
Same with the hair...a trim or that other shit you do...we don't know. All we ask is please, if we wanted a relationship with someone with a buzz cut, we would have ask out the guy in wiring from Home Depot. Otherwise, do what you like but don't be offended if we don't notice.
Neighbors, part 1....we don't wanna make new friends. We want to see what the "new male" in the hood has as far as electronic's, mowers and power tools or dog toys, but otherwise, we don't want to have to play in the sandbox with him every time you bring his wife over!
Neighbors part 2....sometimes we like to roam the hood.. just to check things out, to make sure no funny business is going on...we usually do this under the guise of "walking the pooch" or getting some exercise.
Leave us alone with this, we are protecting our area! We're marking it or making sure there are no evil lurkers up to no good, no strangers out to rob or kill us in our sleep or trespass on our turf. So back off! (sheese!) Wanna wake up in the morn, dead, with your lacy curtains missing? No? Then leave us alone when we want to prowl!
Here's some questions for you Crazy Bitches to ponder: Why?
Why what? If we did something, we did it with a legit reason in mind! Maybe it worked out, maybe it didn't but there is no reason to "Why" us into an early grave because the answer is gonna be the same.... Uhhh, because or I don't know. There! You have the why.
What are you thinking?
Nothing! If we're watching TV when you ask this, then we're thinking of what we're watching. If we're eating, we're thinking of the food, if we're sitting there in a daze, that's it, a daze...a blank, nothing! Don't yell and call us liars, we honestly do blank. We love blank! We enjoy blank! Blank soothes us...let it be! We are very easy animals...we need nothing more than sex, food, TV, hobby and sex. That's it. We're not complicated.
In fact, we're very simple and easy. Sex, food, TV, a hobby (if you won't give up the sex) and sex. We are MALES...we're hairy, we're gassy, we itch, we scratch, we adjust in public, we like boob and or butts, we love meat, and if you're not gonna put out then leave the house for 2 minutes and we'll take care of ourselves! (Yes, we'll do it on the comforter or with our feet or paws on the coffee table!)
One last thing...leave us the fluck alone when we go bathroom! It's gonna take as long as it's gonna take! Don't bang on the door and ask us if we're okay! You've probably set us back about 15 minutes in our "mission" by doing that so leave us alone!
I could and probably will cover more area's involving males but I thought that since there are more Squatters than Leg-lefter's here I would take this opportunity to stand up for myself and all my guys.
There is more ladies, there is more but I'll let you absorb this before I throw anymore at you. Now, I am off to bed where I will pick my nails and lick myself before I doze off and if Crazy Bitch rolls my way, she'll get grrrrrrr'ed back to her side of the bed but if I wanna roll her way then so be it!
(FYI: if your males could do to themselves what I can do to myself, you ladies would most likely be living on the curb! Think about that for a few!)
Now go ahead and blast away!
Brute!
Posted by Baby Girl at 1:13 AM::
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