Dear Friends

Friends don't let Crazy bitch drink and click!

Once upon a time, Crazy Bitch decided it would be a good idea to train her big stud muffin, Brutal. This decision came when she found I had grown from a clumsy puppy to a mean, lean, kick ass machine that drug her through bushes, creeks and any place I decided to go. Awwww the memories! At the all white place we first lived she had a gy-normous black rug that I ate. Seriously, I ate that bastard like it was steak. I also chewed a wall, shoes, busted out too many sliding screen doors to count. She never came home to find the sofa in the place she had left it. But even with all that, the roller blade episode is what signed the deal. Knowing as much about the Ditzy Bitch as you all do now, who would you fault for strapping wheels on her feet and and taking me out on a leash?

Yeah, that's what I thought!

So she calls a trainer who for the small amount of $900 and 6 weeks of time would turn me into a gentle giant. Oh how I have to snort at that. I did the commands for him. I did the turns and the sits but as soon as I heard his car pull away, I was like Fluck you bitch! Ehhhhhh, sit on this, slut! Of course trainer guy didn't believe her because I was perfect while he was around....6 weeks came and went...I was still dragging her around the neighborhood. She went with another trainer, more money and got the same results. So, she gets an idea...a zap collar. I'm not gonna lie to you, that was brilliant on her part. I guess every dingbat has one moment of clarity and that was hers.

She put that thing around my neck, walked into another room and although the facts that led upto it are fuzzy I remember that first zap. She said no to something, said it again and WHAM! I didn't know what the fluck had happened...she was no where near me so I couldn't figure out how the hell she did it so I tested her over and over. ZAP, ZAP, ZAP! Then I saw it. The little black thing in her hand. Right before the zap, she would always have that little remote thing.

Okay, she had me against the ropes. I calmed down but hey, I'm still me right? One night she put on some kitty slippers a friend gave her that mewed when you would take a step...you've seen them. The doggie one's bark, the pig one's oink, you get the idea so anywoof, I'm dozing on the sofa and I hear mew. I'm up and ready to fight! She hears my nails clicking towards her and takes off running, all I know is I'm hearing MEW,MEW,MEW,MEW,MEW and she's hauling ass so I assumed she was in trouble and it was my job to save her. I tackle her in the livingroom, I'm trying to kill the things on her feet and she's kicking and yelling. I'm pulling/dragging her to the hallway when I finally get one off and kill it, she takes off for the livingroom again and I hear more mewing, kinda like step, mew, step mew, step, mew...so I go into protect mode again but she had made her way to the table when the zapper remote was and got me!

Let's see...then there was the fur coat incident but I'll leave that for another time. The bottom line is I started controlling myself and she lightened up on the zapping....until that last fateful night.

There she is, Crazy Slut, drinking her scotch, sitting on the bed clicking thru the channels on the tube, talking on the phone, blah blah blah so I see her point the remote at the TV and nothing happens (guess the batteries were dead) so she bangs the remote, tries to click, nothing. More drinking, more chatting, sqints her eyes and has the tongue out to the side of the mouth, points, clicks, nothing, bang the remote, point, click, nothing...this went on for about an hour, she hangs up the phone, grabs the remote and starts clicking with the tongue out again but this time was different. It was my flucking zapper remote! The Crazy drunken slut was gonna kill me right there! I'm on the floor, rolling, legs and paws in the air and she's on the bed, squint, point, clicking away. I must have passed out at least twice before she notices what she's doing. It was awful! She in her drunken stupor gets a wet cloth and is on the floor with me apologizing and crying. Woof!

Something good did come out of it though...she took the collar off and threw it away. I could tell you that I've changed but that would be a lie. I still get into trouble now and then but nothing like the old days. Man, looking back on it, Crazy Bitch and I have been through all kinds of shit together and both of us has survived.

Oh well...another day, another story.

Paws to alls!
Brutal