Dedicated To Miss M

Dedicated to my girlfriend who is recovering from surgery, Miss M.
By Brutal

Dearest Pound Pups,
I recently learned that one of my lovelies had surgery on her hot little leg so let's all give a shout out to my hottie pooch, Miss M, and wish her a speedy recovery.

Surgeries...now that brings back some memories.

When crazy bitch first got me, she took me straight to the Mad Doctor I call Satan and they shot my ass so full of shit, I puked for a week. Then she took me back for puking. More med's, more gagging and another 3-4 runs to Satan. That went on for about 6 weeks then she gets the idea to clip my ears and have my danglies taken away. The dangly removal was brought on by my "love" of sofa cushions, pillows, legs and pretty much anything I could get to. I guess her being her size and me being my size, I can see why she did it. Doesn't mean I forgave her though and she didn't really get her money's worth on the ears or the humping thing. I have a body sized Hello Kitty love pillow I have my way with occasionally and if Fatass wasn't so low to the ground, I would have had him too! As for the ears...oh what a mess that was. The bastards chop off most of my ears then tape them to straight up in the air to a block of Styrofoam. Einstein aka nutty slut get's me home while I'm still drunk from being chopped up like a teenager in a horror flick and turns her back and I try to crawl under a table which tears the cone off my head....back we went to Satan who drugged me again...same thing happened but thankfully, crazy slut said that's enough! So now I usually wear my ears in the Sally Field-Flying Nun style, or if I'm in flirt mode, I'll flip one over like a toupee and if I want crazy bitch to piss herself, I'll sit in front of one of her many, many night lights and throw them both up and watch her run out of the room. People, she ain't afraid of but the boogie man and things under the bed or in the closet...get's her every time!

Speaking of surgeries...did you pup's know that Fatass had his eye's done. Yep, he had an eye lift. I was home thinking, what the hell...does he think he's Michael Douglas or what? An eye lift! He came home with the cone around his big assed hippo head looking like Sky Lab, then he had to have drops every hour on the hour. He was fork fed which he's never gotten over and he got a ramp built to get into the bed because wing nut woman couldn't lift him. I thought it was the funniest shit I had ever seen! That's when he developed OCD, ADD, separation anxiety and STUPID. Of course he went insane, crazy bitch does everything for him. I won't even go into how many times he's been rushed to the emergency room for bee stings, allergies or his limp tail syndrome. Um hmmmm, if his tail isn't jacked up like a question mark, crazy bitches rushes him to Satan. When I think of all the chews that money could have bought....well, you see why I feel the way I do about him.

Okay, this is getting long so I'll end it with my last ER episode a few months ago. I was hanging at the Spa, getting my daily ball toss, the mile hike, the body massage, the before bed biscuits, Animal planet TV..you know, the platinum package and I wake up one morning feeling icky. The girl who was assigned to me was a vet assistant so she checked me out and called the woofer ambulance and they rushed me in because I had something called twisted intestine something or other. Anyway, they called crazy bitch at about 6:30 and told her what was going on and of course she rushed to the Doc's place all trauma' ed out...I'm the one dying but she's in the lobby in the floor. Pfffftttttt! So they tell her because of my age and the expense, it may be better to give me a sleepy shot and she went into over-drive on that. They were drugging me in the back but I could still hear her out front. Then she called M Diddy who called up there and threatened everyone and their families. She told them to keep me alive no matter what, M Diddy said if anything happened to me before he got there, they had better put a battery in my ass so crazy bitch could see a tail wag, I didn't like the sound of that at all! So they gut me like a fish, untwist whatever and sew me back up. Nut woman is outside smoking and crying. M Diddy is flying home because Doc said at my age, it may not work and even if it does, it may happen again because of my size. I make it through the surgery and wake up with the woman laying on the floor with me, I'm covered in snot and tears but she's scratching my ear so it was okay. She was telling me how we would go shopping when I was better and I could pick out any bones I wanted and as many as I wanted. I was there for recovery 2 weeks and she was there every morning, every lunch break and every evening before they closed to tell me goodnight. She even brought me Tuggles, my squeaky pull toy. When she brought me home, I had stitches from my groin to my chest so she rubbed and scratched my tummy all day and night. I guess she's not all bad but that doesn't mean I'm gonna stop messing with her head.

The moral to my story: Some pet mommies are better than human mommies and even though we can't say it out loud, we love you and all your craziness!

Brutal